Unredacted Alien Q&A

Welcome to a very special unredacted Q&A. Those guys at Area 52 tried to keep me quiet. They asked all the questions and never released them. But I am going to make sure they get released now. Even if I have to steal time on a blog run by a human who pretends he is a rhyming cat. And you wonder why we never make contact with humans. Why would we interrupt such good reality TV? Plus, who wants to star in that trash. Not us. Not me. Right. The Q&A that a certain blogger who went away for 3 years asked for. There's another win for mankind. Can't even stick with something. Simple minds. Let's see what questions have been sent for me to answer. I'm not suspecting them to be all that stimulating.

Who are you?

Wow. This one is a nail biter. I'd bite them if I even had nails. I'm an alien to you and you are an alien to me. Isn't that enough? I left my intergalactic passport where I left my parts. At least I think she still has them. It is hard to tell with the more larger species out there. But boy do they impress. Next!

Why are you here? 

Will your next question start with where or what? Can't you get original. Do you know how many planets I've been to? No? Why didn't you ask that then? They never ask that. They always ask the basic ones. Why is anyone here? Does an ant tell you why it is here? Nope. Maybe the ant is the wise one. Next!

Are you trying to impregnate my people?

Does it look like I am trying to impregnate your people?

Do you see any reproductive organs there? Didn't I already say I left them with my last lover? You know they are probably still wiggling their way inside of her and giving her pleasure. Actually, they are. I can sense the wiggle even when millions of light years away. Boy, is she happy. And even if they were on me, I wouldn't let them wiggle near any scrawny humans. Look what happened to the last one. This is all that was left of her.

Doesn't say I come in peace, huh?

How did you get here?

That's a long story. One that could be written as a book should some writer decide. But I'll give you some spoilers. It started after the wiggle. She wanted my toes too. I guess it's some tradition on their planet. Not sure where she would have stuck them, but I hauled my toes out of there. She can only hold my parts for so long before they fly across space and return, but I would never have gotten my toes back. So I came to the nearest planet to wait for my parts. Too bad this planet turned out to be the nearest and safest habitable one. 

Are you friendly?

She thought so. Many more across the universe has thought so. Let me ask something. With an ass like this, how could I be unfriendly?

Where is the mothership?

Ugg, don't even get me started on her. She never shuts up. Always ragging on me to keep my bits with me. Always wanting me to clean up after I've eaten some nearby meat. Are bones really that hard on the eye? I tried eating them once, but they didn't digest all that well. And then she has the nerve to ask me to look after my 4998 other siblings. She's the one that decided to pop out 5000 of us and I get the job of being second to top alien. Right! She can give that to her precious number one daughter instead of teaching her flight and reproduction duties. Are you confused? Let me put it in words you humans will understand. Mothership = my mother = alive = the more kids they have, the greater they grow = greater ability to float in space with more inhabitants inside = greater need to find a giant species with a giant dick to allow her to grow and have more. Thankfully, the most I've ever heard tell of is 5009 spawn. But that whiny old hen is determined to beat it.

I want to know about the flying saucer?

Want, huh? Be careful what you wish for. Those flying saucers you see, are nothing but a mixture of mothership...umm...fluid that comes out and hardens in your oxygen rich environment. It hates oxygen and goes all crazy before blipping out of existence. Be thankful it hardens. You wouldn't want that all over you.

Can you abduct Trump?

No. Not that we would ever want to try because that primate is a human problem. But in order for a species to be able to enter a mothership, they have to have a certain IQ percentage or upon entry they would be incinerated. That sorry excuse for a primate would vanish just being within a mile of it. And as said, that would ruin so much of our reality TV. 

What are some of your favorite movies?

You humans and your movies. Most of you can't even tell that they are fake. So so so sad. But I'll play your game.

 

I bet you'd thought I'd pick on of those three. You humans being full of yourself and all. But nah, even when you prove how low you sink by ripping off a hit, it still doesn't entertain as much as these three.

 

These are the best movies you humans have ever produced. Who needs humans in spandex and humans painted blue when you have these? A cute little creature that just wants to sing and not eat after midnight or get wet. Screw that. The one with the strip had the right idea. Reproduce and be merry. Isn't that what you humans do anyway? And then you have those cute little creatures from outerspace. They just wanted to go out for dinner. Why would you deny them that? And finally you have the best movie ever. It's a duck and it talks. Eat your heart out Lord of The Rings. You never had a talking duck. 

Given your rather odd taste in movies, are you sure that you are friendly?

Are you going to make me repeat myself? Don't go all Mac and Me. What would you call it? Howard The Alien? I shouldn't give you humans such ideas.

You never really answered the question.

Didn't we discuss the whole ant thing? I swear I will never figure out how such small minds hold onto things for even a few minutes. 

Still dodging the question. Are you sure this is unredacted?

Are you sure water is wet? Are you sure you explode when my bits get near? Are you sure you don't have any more stimulating questions?

Why are you hanging out with cats and a human who pretends to be a rhyming cat?

Now you're getting interesting. Too bad our time is up. I just got that tingly feeling that my bits may be heading this way. I have to go catch them. Boy, I hope they don't stop off anywhere else along the way. Some of those species are rather frisky. If they turn around, I could be years without my bits. Heck, they might even stop off at a few humans before getting to me. I guess that whole impregnate thing may not be totally off the table. Cue the remake. 

Until next time, if I want another mind numbing experience by answering questions from a slacker blogger, be safe and watch out for flying bits and flying saucers. With global warming, those saucers may not harden. That stink will never come off. Trust me. Would this face lie?