Deprogrammed Death

Pssst. Forget keeping you alive. Trees are here to ensure you have a shiny death.

The tabbies mentioned this one as we went on the deprogramming of engagement rings. It was on the list, but we moved it to the top after that. From engagement to death, that's a cheery thought, huh? Hopefully there is no correlation between the two for you. If you don't have a big life insurance policy or bank account then you are probably safe from such correlation. Probably is the key word though. Don't take it as gospel. You could have a secret serial killer in your bed. Okay, author brain is off. Now onward we go.

Death Expenses

At one point or another we all deal with it and we all have it in our future, not a cheery thought or easy in any way, but you can bet that since it is certain, someone somewhere is going to capitalize on it. And, as we all know, many surely do.

Whether you see it coming or not, grieving takes place once death occurs and then the vultures strike. Sadly, it isn't actual vultures. That would be cheaper and maybe even better for the environment. Hmm, maybe just cheaper. Who wants skeletons lying around everywhere?

First come your options. You can have them buried or cremated. But the you only applies in the checkbook, credit card, bank account, or drug money. Hey, when you're hard up for a place to hide it, have to make due. Remind me never to touch money again. So you pick. Your pick is the casket.

Look at them all displayed out. They are oh so great. Hell, many are nicer than your first apartment. I'm sure those who are dead with no life left in them and who's body will rot away are going to appreciate that. And just for all the tree huggers, I'm sure the trees gladly gave up their life so you can coddle the dead. Bah, they start at a mere $5000. That's nothing to show the dead you care. Even though the dead can't see any longer from their eyes.

Next you have to have an open casket so all their loved ones can say goodbye. You just have to. So let's rip everything out and shove a bunch of crap in them to preserve them and make them look all pretty. Hey, it works for the brain-dead Hollywood bimbos, may as well do it when the rest of their body dies off as well. It only tacks on a bunch bit more.

Now you have to have a place to view. Our home is all geared up for it. We'll make all the preparations. Don't worry, that is all factored in. And oh, you still have to have some gathering afterwards, we can have it here or recommend a good caterer, for which we may or may not get a kickback from, and take all the work out of your hands. Aren't we nice? Our fee is our reward.

And then we have to have the hole dug, your plot has to be paid for, your headstone must be there, and you really, really have to have a shiny one. 1000 years from now when no one knows who you ever were and you would know no one at all, they still need to know you were here. It's how you leave your mark. It must be done.

Oh, you wanted to be cremated? Well then we have a fancy box just for the ashes. And we charge extra if you want the ashes burned separate from others. You just must sit them on the mantle. And this box would look great. I mean trees died for your dead, if that isn't sacrifice, we don't know what is. So don't let their sacrifice be for nothing. Sacrifice your money and common sense to us and buy this shiny box for what results into dusty kitty litter. Do it before your grief wears off and you realize you can get the same thing from stuffing the dusty kitty litter into a coffee can. 

And the other stuff still holds. You still need a gathering and, and... What? Don't bring math into this! Get back here!

Let's say that you are on the high end and cost $500 a month for groceries. That includes TP and all that stuff. That is $6000 for an ENTIRE year to keep yourself fed. $6000!!!! ENTIRE YEAR! ALIVE! 365 DAYS! And that is rather high in many cases. Yet, most of the time, if one gets suckered by the funeral homes, sentiment, and the way things must be done, it costs more than that for you to die than for a full year of you eating to stay alive. Does that make logical sense? Oh, but it is how it is. It is how it must be. Blah blah blah.

Yes, you need professionals of some sort to dispose of the body in some way, or we'd have dead people buried on many a property. Hmm, suppose that is one way to bring down property value and afford a house. BUT spending that kind of money just to die. Pfffft. The dead don't care if they are in a fancy box or a box you nailed together from sticks in the woods. They don't care if they are sat on a shelf in a fancy box or thrown to the wind from a coffee can. They are dead! Of course maybe Great Aunt Ruthie still wants to look good and paid in advance. Hey, she cared when she was alive, but guess what? Not when dead still holds.

And this doesn't even include estate stuff, hospital bills, and all other various stuff one may not learn of beforehand. People can spend upwards of $15,000 or more just getting it all taken care of. Granted if life insurance is in place or money had been sat aside in the estate to cover such things, great. Go to it. 

But when did it become fact that this stuff is oh so needed and unicorns are fake? Funerals are the last great con that get you even when you think you're finally out. They pull you back in and then bury you in a fancy box where you can rot in peace. Not to mention violate you in many a way to make you look all pretty for those few who really give a damn, those many who are only there to be nice, and those few that hated you alive, but who say you were oh so great once you're dead.

Pfffft. Burn me, toss me in the litterbox, and be done with it. I'm dead. I won't care. Piddle on the ashes yourself for all I care. Maybe then my dusty kitty litter may float up and get in your mouth. Would suck on that apply? Last laugh? 

Nope. Not struck down after typing this. I guess no ghosts or gods or whoever cares about funeral stuff. What was that? I hear it faintly. Bla...bla...bla...Oh. Blasphemy? Does that count coming from a funeral director who sells $5000 shiny boxes and goes to town up and in dead bodies? Nah, I think I'll take my chances with the unicorns.

Anything to add? Feel free at my pad.