Deprogrammed Statistics

Look of disgust describes it all.

They say numbers don't lie, but I guess they fail to factor people into that summation. Whoever they are. They are probably the same people lying out their butt when it comes to their numbers though. Can you guess where I'm going with this. Thanks to the title I am sure 95% of you can. Could be 100%, but that looks too perfect, we can't have that. So I'll just pull some numbers from my butt and call them official. Now on with it before 44.99% of you get bored.

Deprogrammed Statistics

You get numbers thrown at you. They may actually be thrown at you too, especially if some political nut job comes around and wants you to vote for so and so. You also get them plastered in front of you on many a site. Heck, all sites have numbers in some way. But while the views you have can boost one's ego, let you know people like it, and so on and so forth, the stats you just read could be, and probably are, an entire load of BS. I know 33.45% may need examples and not take my word for it, so here we go.

Have you ever heard or said, "Alcohol in moderation is okay, good, or whatever else for a person?" Now if you haven't heard that and live in North America you must live under a rock, but I'm not 100% sure of that. Do you know why that is? Because the liquor companies want it that way. Their statistics prove it after all and they shove it in your face to get you to buy buy buy. Oh, wine is healthy and may help you. "May" help you. Statistics don't lie. Pffffft. But you do.

Their little graph shows that people who drink in moderation and people who don't have the same, or the former has better, life expectancy. It has to be good right? IT HAS TO! Nope. Statistics have just taken you for a ride. Not a fun one either. You got screwed without being screwed. Why? They say it. It has to be true. Guess what? It is! It is true because the sample they used against the moderation people are all sick people, people who quit drinking and therefore suffer the ill health issues already, and people already with one foot in the grave. So guess what? The stats are in their favor. Drinking in moderation is good for you. So go get drunk and suffer no health issues. Pfffft. Got a bridge I can sell you.

Now why not look at the medical industry. You always get things thrown at you there. And guess what? They are one-sided, they are rigged, and they don't give a damn, generally, about you. Employee A wants that grant money but they work for a company that wants the results to come out a certain way. So what does Employee A do? They get a sample that makes their stats work out how they want. They get the grant, the numbers get fudged, but in an oh so legit way, and you get fake data.

And the great, 90% of people never have that, or whatever else Drs. throw at you. Do they really know? Probably not. That is just their escape to get you to go home and suffer. Whether because they are lazy, crunched for time, or just want to milk you more. They saw a stat from the drug company, in a medical book, or off the internet. So you may have the disease, but 90% don't. So that is a high stat, meaning you can't be in that 10%. Even though someone has to make up that 10%. But never fear, it won't be you. Your Dr. said so. Pfffffffffft.

Also, now this could be fudged too on her side, I met one woman who had kids later in life, right up to and after 40. Oh no! Stats say that is bad. Your risk doubles. She was told this and that and she shouldn't and blah blah blah. Not sure why people feel the need to tell me these things, but they do. Want to know about the guy who got kicked out of France and has money stashed on his property? 90% of people may say yes. Anyway, she said she checked into things and where they say her risk doubled, what she found was that it doubled from 1% to 2%. Wowweeee. That is so scary. Not that one should ever play down risks, but it DOUBLED! Doesn't doubled sound far more scary than 2%?

And now we go to products. Damn, 50% of you might think you'll be here all day. I could if I wanted to type that much, but I won't. You can be 100% sure of that. Unless you are a very slow reader which may make it 99% sure.

With products everything from trans fat, gluten free, how long they last to even workability come into play. As long as they are below a certain percentage they can say, GLUTEN FREE! TRANS FAT FREE! When really they have that in there, just low enough to pass inspections, if there are any inspections, and therefore put that on the packaging and fool some sucker. And oh, this product works for 50% of those who used it. Do you want to know who used it? Two people. Two employees. One thought it worked and one didn't. THAT'S 50%. Woweee. We've got a winner.

Oh, and as long as this machine, this device, this whatever is within this range, it won't hurt 99% of people. Says umm this organization that took a kickback or took the stats from the company who makes the damn thing and called it okay. What is a company going to do after spending billions on something? Oh, our product gives you cancer. Umm nope. So they fudge the stats. It never bothered these 10 people. Unlike these 100 people. But shhhh. Let's just focus on 5 of those 100. Now we have a 75% success rate. That is above the threshold. Our product is a win. Come and buy buy buy. Fry your brain so the next time it can be below 50% and you won't even care. I still have that bridge.

And there are many many many more, but they all come back to one thing, usually, what is best for the one doing the stats. Nothing ever comes back for what is good for you. Why? Because $$$ is always involved. Greed takes priority over anything else. Yep. Even your safety, in most cases. So it is safe to say that those last stats you saw were fake, even if they weren't pulled from someone's butt and plastered on the internet. That official pamphlet looks great, right? They have to be right. It is SOOOO PRETTY. Pffffft.

Do you believe stats? Ever hear the whole alcohol in moderation is good? Ever get shafted by a medical professional with stats? Have any that you know are fudged or fake? I'm sure 56% of people who read this will respond. Hey, I polled 3 people. It is right!

Buy the bridge from the cat, 50% of people say it is a GREAT stat.

You Have A Spy In Someone's Eye!

The cat doesn't get this as I slink away, but Pat gets it nearly every single day. Even back in the woods it comes due. You just never know who is watching you. Actually, you may know, but that interrupts the flow.

Out for a stroll.

Out for a walk.

However you roll,

Someone may gawk.

Could be a frog.

Could be a duck.

Could be a hog.

But who gives a fluck.

Through trees.

Through rocks.

On the seas.

On the docks.

By cats.

By fleas.

Through spats.

Through please.

From high above.

From down below.

There's a spy.

Friend or foe.

A bench with a view.

Whoops, Sorry Betty.

Still, they're watching you.

Be it funny or petty.

And with one click,

There you be.

Got you some slick.

Now all can see.

So watch where you go.

Watch what you do.

Someone may know.

Someone may view.

But the ocean is vast.

The population is too.

You're just one of the cast.

So who cares about the view.

Unless a human does this.

Then some may swear.

But hey, could be bliss.

Can see if they shave down there.

Ever find out that you were being watched when you thought no one was around? Is it really that bad if you are found? Oh no, I was caught.....walking. Damn, that is going to leave people talking. Pffft if you want to watch me walk, go right ahead. Now it may be creepy if you stand over me in bed. And as far as the latter, as long as you hide it and aren't on anyone's lawn, is it any different than what a cat, dog, or deer may do some dawn? You've drank dino pee at some point or another in life. That is more nasty than a controlling wife. Now I'll watch as this post comes to pass. Feel free to watch the sandbox while I relieve my little rhyming ass.

Always assume and watch where you bloom.

The Truth Is Up There!

It seems some are obsessed with that little grey fellow. Maybe because he's a bit mellow? Beats the heck out of the cat. But he didn't want to come back to our blog mat. At least not now. I think the poop machines made him have a cow.

Can you say, Go Gadget Go? 

A toy hoarder don't you know.

But since he is away,

The cat will tell the real story anyway.

My paws are ready.

You better stay steady.

This may surprise.

Or just draw flies.

"Hello. I am an alien. I have come to probe. Whoops, looks like I got the probe today. Take me to your leader."

"I'm right here. I'm top of the world. I know everything about space. No one knows more about space and little green men than me. I....I....I....I..." 

"I take that back. Take me to anyone else. ANYONE. I'd rather watch Mac and Me."

"Don't worry, Mr. Alien. LMF is here to save the day."

"I thought you went by another name?"

"No. I..."

"Oh, you're from the past. That's why you are blurry. I already abducted you. Your replacement is okay, but she had to go and change her name. You humans can't keep anything for long. She couldn't even keep a blog running. Life stuff. Pffft."

"Now there is no reason to be so mean."

"Did I bring deer, bees, or strawberries into this? Such a drama queen. How did you get out of your cage anyway? Didn't I sell you to that zoo on Planet 76?"

"Much better. She had to be here from some hologram phone type thing. Must be her show time at the zoo. Or feeding time. I told them she loved strawberries. Poor LMF. Who's that? I'm getting another call? I just can't catch a break today."

"What are you doing here? I didn't call for a pumpkin? Is this like return of the living dead? I already abducted you too. After you admitted you liked to travel, it was easy."

"I want my Halloween decorations back."

"Are you on that again? They don't appreciate your human trinkets at the zoo. Just sit and look pretty for the paying public. Planet 76 paid me well. Don't go giving me a bad name."

"I'm going to host a giveaway with your head as the win."

"Violent! I should have gotten more money for you."

"Did you see that spider? I need my shampoo. Let me out of this zoo. I think I saw a bee. There are geese. Help!"

"I guess your feeding is over. Couldn't you have waited? Butting in on a conversation is so rude."

"I want to go back to Earth."

"And I want all kinds of things. Guess we both are screwed."

"You are so mean. Let me go."

"I did. I let you go when I sold you to the zoo. Humans. They have such short memories. I'm getting another call. Please hold."

"My giveaway is all set up. The first person to bring me your head gets..."

"Isn't that more of a bounty?"

"Quiet! I've had enough of you. I will boil you in a pot."

"Be kind of hard without your Halloween decorations, huh?"

"Halloween. I want my Halloween."

"More whining. The zoo goers will love it."

"Bring me home!"

"What was that? You're cutting out. Sorry. Call back soon. See ya."

"I will see you ended."

"Phone call ended. I see it too. Bye bye. Now what will I do with those Halloween decorations."

"I said..."

"This guy just won't shut up. Hmm where is that one I abducted and put on ice. Here we go. I need you to end his phone privileges."

"So much better. Quiet and does his job. Some glad I never sold him to the zoo. Now who should I abduct next? I hear there are a few folks still sticking around this blogland thing that may need a good probing. Decisions, decisions."

Now aren't you glad you know some of the truth? There may be more at his booth, but the cat didn't want you to be here all day. Did you ever guess that LMF and the Halloween Nazi were replaced at their bay? Geez, I hope they at least get treated well at that zoo. I bet there are more humans there too. What? The cat is nuts? Hey, blame Pat or the mutts. I guess the ninja got out of the litterbox too. Frozen or alien zoo? Hmmm, both could be bad. I think I'll stick to staying at my pad. Will a certain two give the cat sass? I can take it with my ever so little rhyming ass.

An alien zoo may star you!

Unredacted Alien Q&A

Welcome to a very special unredacted Q&A. Those guys at Area 52 tried to keep me quiet. They asked all the questions and never released them. But I am going to make sure they get released now. Even if I have to steal time on a blog run by a human who pretends he is a rhyming cat. And you wonder why we never make contact with humans. Why would we interrupt such good reality TV? Plus, who wants to star in that trash. Not us. Not me. Right. The Q&A that a certain blogger who went away for 3 years asked for. There's another win for mankind. Can't even stick with something. Simple minds. Let's see what questions have been sent for me to answer. I'm not suspecting them to be all that stimulating.

Who are you?

Wow. This one is a nail biter. I'd bite them if I even had nails. I'm an alien to you and you are an alien to me. Isn't that enough? I left my intergalactic passport where I left my parts. At least I think she still has them. It is hard to tell with the more larger species out there. But boy do they impress. Next!

Why are you here? 

Will your next question start with where or what? Can't you get original. Do you know how many planets I've been to? No? Why didn't you ask that then? They never ask that. They always ask the basic ones. Why is anyone here? Does an ant tell you why it is here? Nope. Maybe the ant is the wise one. Next!

Are you trying to impregnate my people?

Does it look like I am trying to impregnate your people?

Do you see any reproductive organs there? Didn't I already say I left them with my last lover? You know they are probably still wiggling their way inside of her and giving her pleasure. Actually, they are. I can sense the wiggle even when millions of light years away. Boy, is she happy. And even if they were on me, I wouldn't let them wiggle near any scrawny humans. Look what happened to the last one. This is all that was left of her.

Doesn't say I come in peace, huh?

How did you get here?

That's a long story. One that could be written as a book should some writer decide. But I'll give you some spoilers. It started after the wiggle. She wanted my toes too. I guess it's some tradition on their planet. Not sure where she would have stuck them, but I hauled my toes out of there. She can only hold my parts for so long before they fly across space and return, but I would never have gotten my toes back. So I came to the nearest planet to wait for my parts. Too bad this planet turned out to be the nearest and safest habitable one. 

Are you friendly?

She thought so. Many more across the universe has thought so. Let me ask something. With an ass like this, how could I be unfriendly?

Where is the mothership?

Ugg, don't even get me started on her. She never shuts up. Always ragging on me to keep my bits with me. Always wanting me to clean up after I've eaten some nearby meat. Are bones really that hard on the eye? I tried eating them once, but they didn't digest all that well. And then she has the nerve to ask me to look after my 4998 other siblings. She's the one that decided to pop out 5000 of us and I get the job of being second to top alien. Right! She can give that to her precious number one daughter instead of teaching her flight and reproduction duties. Are you confused? Let me put it in words you humans will understand. Mothership = my mother = alive = the more kids they have, the greater they grow = greater ability to float in space with more inhabitants inside = greater need to find a giant species with a giant dick to allow her to grow and have more. Thankfully, the most I've ever heard tell of is 5009 spawn. But that whiny old hen is determined to beat it.

I want to know about the flying saucer?

Want, huh? Be careful what you wish for. Those flying saucers you see, are nothing but a mixture of mothership...umm...fluid that comes out and hardens in your oxygen rich environment. It hates oxygen and goes all crazy before blipping out of existence. Be thankful it hardens. You wouldn't want that all over you.

Can you abduct Trump?

No. Not that we would ever want to try because that primate is a human problem. But in order for a species to be able to enter a mothership, they have to have a certain IQ percentage or upon entry they would be incinerated. That sorry excuse for a primate would vanish just being within a mile of it. And as said, that would ruin so much of our reality TV. 

What are some of your favorite movies?

You humans and your movies. Most of you can't even tell that they are fake. So so so sad. But I'll play your game.

 

I bet you'd thought I'd pick on of those three. You humans being full of yourself and all. But nah, even when you prove how low you sink by ripping off a hit, it still doesn't entertain as much as these three.

 

These are the best movies you humans have ever produced. Who needs humans in spandex and humans painted blue when you have these? A cute little creature that just wants to sing and not eat after midnight or get wet. Screw that. The one with the strip had the right idea. Reproduce and be merry. Isn't that what you humans do anyway? And then you have those cute little creatures from outerspace. They just wanted to go out for dinner. Why would you deny them that? And finally you have the best movie ever. It's a duck and it talks. Eat your heart out Lord of The Rings. You never had a talking duck. 

Given your rather odd taste in movies, are you sure that you are friendly?

Are you going to make me repeat myself? Don't go all Mac and Me. What would you call it? Howard The Alien? I shouldn't give you humans such ideas.

You never really answered the question.

Didn't we discuss the whole ant thing? I swear I will never figure out how such small minds hold onto things for even a few minutes. 

Still dodging the question. Are you sure this is unredacted?

Are you sure water is wet? Are you sure you explode when my bits get near? Are you sure you don't have any more stimulating questions?

Why are you hanging out with cats and a human who pretends to be a rhyming cat?

Now you're getting interesting. Too bad our time is up. I just got that tingly feeling that my bits may be heading this way. I have to go catch them. Boy, I hope they don't stop off anywhere else along the way. Some of those species are rather frisky. If they turn around, I could be years without my bits. Heck, they might even stop off at a few humans before getting to me. I guess that whole impregnate thing may not be totally off the table. Cue the remake. 

Until next time, if I want another mind numbing experience by answering questions from a slacker blogger, be safe and watch out for flying bits and flying saucers. With global warming, those saucers may not harden. That stink will never come off. Trust me. Would this face lie?

WEP: Red Runs Deep

No one at this wretched place will ever appreciate the little details. They will never appreciate all the work I put into this grass, the halls, even the toilets where their nasty backsides sit. They will continue being completely immune to it. Lost in selfies and participation medals. Disgusting. But today they will pay for their unawareness. And pay they will.

Look at that. Two ripe harlots posting doctored images of a nerd. I'll give them something to take images of and post. In my day you had to face someone to be a bully. The joys of stuffing Teeny Tony in a locker. How I long for such freedom again. I bet Teeny Tony does too. Last I heard he was locked in the nuthouse. Sweet victory. And I'll be damned if I am going to weed one more piece of grass while some scrawny, pimply-face, two-bit nerd beats my track record.

None of this would be necessary if these stadium dwellers had booed. But oh no, they had to cheer for participation medals. Like those should be a thing. Yeah, your kid is great for showing up. Hell, my turds can float down river and show up. And don't you people work? Living off the system with five kids you hardly know how to look after. And you say I'm the one to be looked down upon. Filth. Maybe I should have made it bigger.

Look at them. Lining up on the once great track of this once great school. It used to take skill to run it. Now all it takes is a few social justice warrior nutjobs whining about it being too long for their little babies. A maggot could run the distance in record time at this length. Little maggots are all they are. I know what to do with maggots.

Kissing them good luck. Hugging. Kissing again. On the lips. Really? Don't you get enough at home and with your side dishes? What is this? Did Disney take over the world and force kids to stay latched at the tit from birth to adulthood? I am so glad I didn't create any spawn. Not that a woman would have me. I do physical labor. I am looked down upon. I can't get a job with a spiffy suit and kiss backside for ten hours a day.

Damn, when did I become so isolated? I ruled this school. My name is on the wall. They look happy. Maybe as happy as I once was. If only they knew what real life had in store. But should they know? I didn't. Is that the point? The real world Santa Claus. Maybe it is the ultimate present that they are given even if they are a bunch of cocky, useless, tit suckers. Can I ruin that? Should I ruin that? Would that make me as bad as the whiners and social justice nutballs? Probably. Damn it.

The gun fired. The race is on. I have to make it. Damn, I'm fast. This is how it is done, tit suckers. I still have it. Look at their faces. Confusion. They finally see me. I will be remembered as a hero. And I may still keep my record. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Well old girl, you have been a good tool for many years. I hope somebody fixes you and gives you a good coat of red paint. Actually, I may be doing the red part in three...two...one...

...look...at...them...scatter...Am I...floating? I'm...I'm going up. I must be getting rewarded. Hero racer saves school from bomb hidden in wheelbarrow. That's a headline they'll never forgot.

Words: 609

I looked at the pic and that is what came to me. Looks like it could be some university or school lawn. Thoughts? Yeah, rather touchy subject in many a way, but it came on out so away I went.

Enjoy life, forget the strife.

It Came From Above...Maybe!

People always ask about another's day. Not really wanting to know anyway. But guess what? I'm going to tell you at our hut.

Pat went out for a walk,

With the thing of which we won't talk.

I was playing with what I no longer have on me.

Hey, at least I can still use it to pee.

Then I showed this guy.

"Boy, you can make a toy fly."

Shut up, Cassie cat.

"So brave and all of that."

I even helped Pat.

A shameless promo from the cat.

Next I stood and took in the view.

Cassie decided to do it too.

"Had to show you up."

Bah, you can't do that.

Keep dreaming Cassie cat.

And then they came.

I will not speak either interloper name.

It came from above.

I think I'll give it a shove.

Damn, it was neutered worse than me.

Poor thing doesn't have a wick that I can see.

Still, wick or not, it has to go.

I'd rather have the fluffy so and so. 

Now you are all up to speed. I had to stare at a thing with no wick at our feed. So, how was your day? Anything like the horror at our bay? Maybe it came from above to get some love. Some sort of breeding that gives the next generation a wick. Should I just say dick? Bah, that is too easy to come to pass. Anyway, no alien is getting near my little rhyming ass.

Be alien free as they have nothing to see.

This Is Your Post At My Coast!

The cat isn't really writing this, neither is Pat or Miss Priss. That would be Cassie if you didn't know. We can't take credit for the flow. Like the above, even if two, the flow is all for you with love. It just isn't the right thing. This is your ring. Not just yours, but yours and yours and yours too. Wow. You are all in sync with what you do.

This is the best.

It passes every test.

I should say you.

Each word is true.

Your car needs this and this.

It will leave you in complete bliss.

Such a state of mind is grand.

It is all for you but money in hand.

We are letting you go.

But it is all for you, you know.

We don't want to hold you back.

So we are doing for you and giving you the sack.

This is in your best interest.

You need a house guest.

So I'll just move in over there.

You'll hardly know I'm here, I swear.

This is where you should go.

It is so close to so and so.

You'll love being close by.

Then they...I mean you...won't have to fly.

This house is so you.

It has the best view.

I know it is because you got the dough.

But it is so you, don't you know.

We want to move your money here.

It is so much better than near.

It will give you great things in the end.

Besides, who wants to make money and spend.

It's a simple upgrade.

No need to even trade.

Just keep them both.

For you it promotes growth.

And don't forget my work.

You doing it is your perk.

It teaches you new skills and such.

But shhh, don't speak of it much.

You are the best.

You pass every test.

All of this is for you.

Believe everything to be true.

Don't you love that? How they spin stuff when they chew the fat. It is all the best course of action for you or some shit when really they aren't thinking of you one bit. They just want what they want in the end and will go on a conning trend. And they are even enough of a wanker to believe many don't see. Pffft they should just fall in cat pee. But wasn't this post grand that came to pass? It was yours and yours and maybe a bit from my little rhyming ass.

When they come to con, throw them out on the lawn.